Archive for January, 2010

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
 
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Product Description
This breakthrough work, the first to describe sexual addiction, is still the standard for recognizing and overcoming this destructive behavior. With insight and sensitivity, Dr. Patrick Carnes outlines how to identify a sexual addict, recognize the way others may unwittingly become complicit or codependent, and change the patterns that support the addiction.

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  • ISBN13: 9781568386218
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Very Helpful
 
Review Date: February 3, 2005
Reviewer: Niki Collins Queen, Forsyth, Georgia USA
"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes is one of the best books on sexual addiction. Carnes says sexaholism transcend personality, gender, and socio-economic status. He defines sexual addiction as having a pathological relationship with sex and using it as a mood-altering drug. His descriptions of the symptoms, the three levels of addictions, and the progression through the four-part cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive sexual behavior and despair are excellent.
Carnes also deals with the sex addicts underlying dynamics such as a faulty self-image, and believing that sex is their most important need. Carnes describes how some addicts appear grandiose and full of exaggerated self-importance to create a front of "normalcy," and hide their addiction and poor self-esteem. He says the addict's family and friends often become angry and frustrated with the addict's "egocentricity" and insensitivity to others. Since guilt and remorse cannot be expressed the addict may become progressively more isolated and unreachable as they close off their vulnerability.
Carnes states that since the addict feels unloved and unlovable they have little confidence in the love of others and become calculating, manipulative and ruthless. They are purposely unclear about their intentions in relationship and are seductive in their behavior. Addicts also have a high need to control all situations in an effort to guarantee their sexual supply and ensure all possible sexual opportunities.
To get help Carnes recommends SA's 12 Step Program. He says the Program helps the addict to, "separate themselves as individuals from their addiction which, as a powerful illness, is destroying their lives. By admitting the addictions power, hope emerges from connecting with others and Higher Power. The fellowship of the Program surrounds participants with people who have suffered in the same way. They no longer feel unique. They trust and are trusted with personal secrets."
Carnes says the Program teaches the addict that they do not need the addiction to survive, but will need the Program because of the addictions power. When the addict recognizes how powerless and unmanageable they are over their addiction, they start to live a life which focuses on human relationships as opposed to sex.
Carnes points out how members of the Program continue to learn about the process through teaching others. He says sex addicts can become responsive and responsible members of the human community.
This book really helped!
 
Review Date: December 30, 1999
Reviewer: ,
When I needed to understand and learn more about sexual addiction, this book was there with quality information. It gave me the basics. I have since read three books on the subject of sexual addiction and Out of The Shadows is my favorite; the only one that helped me to better understand this addiction (which I previously did not know existed). The book is simple to read and is informative. I could not put it down as it kept my full attention - I read it in just a few hours. If you or your sex addict friend or family member is not big into religion and may have trouble with 12-Step programs, this book does not get "heavily" into that; rather it outlines the basics - what you need to know and understand. Thank you Dr. Carnes for this informative book.
Carnes is able to get right inside the addicts head.
 
Review Date: February 3, 1999
Reviewer: ,
Carnes has completely captured the mind of the sexual addict in minute detail. Disecting each and every action and thought explaining the reasons for and behind the behavior. For 22 years I lived and was married to a sexual addict and didn't know. I was in total denial. Finding out was the biggest shock and not knowing what to do. I was fortunate enough to be told about Patrick Carnes' book. I purchased the book online (so I wouldn't suffer the embarrassment of asking for it in a bookstore) and couldn't put it down. To be able to understand in a small way the "why" of my husbands behavior allows me to not feel so guilty or in some way responsible for his behavior. I never thought a book on this subject could be called fascinating--but it is just that. Each and every paragraph had something in it that hit home. He completely is able to analyze this behavior and explain the reasons without making the addict or co-addict feel less of a person. Although my husband and I are separated, I plan on passing this book on to him as he feels he can't beat this addiction. I am hoping this book will help him as it did me, to understand.
An especially good book for coaddicts
 
Review Date: January 2, 2004
Reviewer: ,
This is a good book for anyone who wants to understand the basic emotional and psychosexual dynamics of sexual addiction but the problem I did have with it was that it was written to understand the male addict. Although the dynamics from the human level are essentially the same there are some differences.

After a really harrowing relationship with a woman addict whose secretiveness and intense denial/shame of the problem translated to my being left in the dark as to it's nature I scoured the web for any information I could find. I was really confused how this woman's behavior really depressed her to the point of endless bouts of crying and yet it continued with more calculating deceit, mind games, rampant flirting with colleagues and promiscuity. Everyone involved becomes a powerless spectator in the painful ongoings. This was the most painful experience that I have gone through to date and it has really made me wary of my perception of how sex is used to sell just about everything in the US. Pity.

For guys who have been likewise involved understanding the "logic" ( if it can be called that) of the female sex/romance addict is better outlined in a book by Charlotte Davis Kasl called: "Women, Sex and Addiction - a search for love and power" a highly qualified therapist in the field. I was amazed at how every page seemed to be a prediction ( in hindsight ) of my ex's irrational and destructive behavior, motives, feelings etc., such that many of the statements made by sexually addicted women she interviewed for the book were made by my ex g.friend, verbatim. I was aware from her intense denial of there being an [obvious] problem ( by her asserting that it was "in my head" or that my finding that there was a problem to discuss was itself, THE problem) that she did not read these books ( and indignantly would not when I offered.)

The bottom line for the addict is that because of the intense feelings of shame that perpetuate the problem and the need to cover up the problem from self and others, through paradoxically/ritualistically engaging in more of the same painful thing, such books are only helpful if the 'sufferer' is absolutely ready to face and rid oneself of it. However for those who are coaddicts and want to understand what they are going through they are helpful especially to recognize that there is nothing wrong with you and you ( nor your liaison) are to blame. If you love the addicted one then through these books one readily sees that the problem is not the person but the behavior which can be changed with time and effort. Painful stuff. Good luck to all..

An easy read for evaluation of behavior.
 
Review Date: July 7, 1999
Reviewer: ,
This pioneering effort by Patrick Carnes describes a four stage cycle of addiction which builds the addictive patterns. These steps are: 1) preoccupation, 2) ritualization, 3) compulsive sexual behavior, and 4) despair. Carnes defines these levels of addiction. The benefit to the reader is that it is an easy read for self-evaluation and/or for evaluating another's behavior. These stages or levels are conceptualized in terms of behavior, cultural standards, legal consequences, the victim's and the public's opinion of the addiction.

The recovery process is connected to the diminishment of negative core beliefs with the replacement of positive core beliefs. The impact on and the recovery of the co-addict are defined with the starting point being that of acceptance of Step I --- being powerless.

Excellent, Thorough, Understanding of This Problem
 
Review Date: September 29, 2000
Reviewer: ,
I've been addicted to sex, masturbation, pornography, adultery, and so many other sexually compulsive acts while attempting to maintain a control and image in my life. This disease has no end; its levels of destruction are limitless. Dr. Carnes in this book completely lays out how this addiction originates, how it operates, and how it consumates. This is the most thorough book I have read on sexual addiction yet it falls severely short in assisting the addict with overcoming this problem. As far as recovery, you'll have to purchase another.
Partners of Addicts can benefit from this book!
 
Review Date: May 9, 1997
Reviewer: ,
Sexual addiction has a profound impact on the partners and families of the addict. The road to recovery is a long hard journey as Dr. Carnes points out. For the partner of an addict, this book helps you understand that what you've been living with is NOT about you. You come to realize that this is a disease just as alcoholism is a disease. You learn what it's about, how it can progress if not treated and how recovery is a possibility. You also learn about co-addiction and the role you play in this insidious addiction. This book was a lifesaver for me and put me on the road to recovery from my own co-addiction.
Classic book on sex addiction, particularly helpful for people in the midst of it.
 
Review Date: January 7, 2007
Reviewer: Patrick D. Goonan, Pleasanton, CA
Patrick Carnes is a recognized authority an sexual addiction and has a very clear, direct and writing style. He has a deep understanding of his topic and he conveys it in easy to understand language without any judgmental overtones.

This specific book is intended primarily for people who are addicts or suspect they have some problems in this area. As such, it contains a lot of case histories, first person quotes and a simple approach that describes the basics underlying sex addiction. The role of shame and guilt in the addictive cycle as experienced by the person caught in the cycle sexual addiction is covered in-depth. In addition, the role of sexual addiction as a maladaptive survival strategy in response to core wounds is developed at length.

In my opinion, this is an excellent resource for people in recovery. However, one of his other books CONTRARY TO LOVE seems to be more useful for helping professionals. While this book lacks some of the detailed accounts of OUT OF THE SHADOWS it goes into much greater detail on the systems dynamics i.e. role of family, culture, etc. It is more comprehensive, but a more difficult and less personal treatment of Carnes' ideas. However, this book will also be useful to people who are further along in recovery.

Patrick Carnes has written many excellent books in this area. However, Charlotte Kasl is also an author who I feel compliments Patrick Carnes' approach. The book WOMEN, SEX and ADDICTION is particularly good and even if you are not a woman, you will find it a useful resource for understaning sexual addiction and co-dependence in general.

Patrick Carnes is a fan of Twelve Step Programs and he argues convincingly for this approach in combination with therapy. Overall, he comes across as optimistic, encouraging, empathetic and practical. Much of his work has been with men, but based on my knowledge he has a deep understanding of sexual addiction and co-dependency in general.

Patrick Carnes has also written many other books on related topics such as pornography addiction, online sex addictions and breaking free from addictive or co-dependent relationships. The BETRAYAL BOND is an example of a book on this latter topic. All of his stuff is good, but various books have a different tone because of the different audiences addressed and where Carnes' was at in his thinking at the time that he wrote them. I honestly prefer CONTRARY TO LOVE to this book, but that is because I am a psychology professional and not someone looking for more detail from the inside.
A Classic for the Newcomer and Significant Others
 
Review Date: December 12, 1998
Reviewer: Patrick McGinnis, LMHC, CCJAP (Padderic@aol.com), Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
I am a professional psychotherapist and have been treating sexual addiction for over 11 years. For all of this time, I have recommended this book as a starting point for understanding the addiction-for both the addict and co-addict. It is a good idea to read this book prior to starting therapy, or as an adjunct to a self-help recovery program. If you are unsure if you, or a loved one, suffers from this addiction, this book will help answer that question.
Very helpful in helping my clients
 
Review Date: March 20, 2001
Reviewer: Brett Anderson, Atlanta, GA United States
I used this book to help me formulate my approach in dealing with Sexual addiction with my clients. I run a group for men with sexual addiction and this book has been invaluable to me in not only the planning but the implementation of the group. The book gave me a starting place for treatment with a wide variety of issues all tied up in the sexual addicts life.
Does a Great Job of Explaining Sexual Addiction!
 
Review Date: April 24, 2000
Reviewer: ,
The author does a great job explaining, in plain English, what the addiction cycle is and how sexual addiction occurs. Having known NOTHING previously about addictions and especially sexual addiction, this book is an eye-opener. It is very comprehensive as to the different types and levels of sexual addiction. For any person who knows someone who has a sexual addiction, this book is a MUST for understanding exactly how serious this problem is. The only negative comment I would make is that I believe that there is not a co-addict for every addict--the author didn't say this but there is a lot of talk about the co-addict: in sexual addiction, there is usually (especially in the lower levels of addiction)few clues--IF ANY--to let a family member know that something wrong is going on. There is a lot of deceit that takes place in living two lives and so I believe many innocent people are just deceived about who the addict is until irrefutable evidence is found or the addict is caught red-handed. That small negative aside, the book is WONDERFUL and I definitely recommend it!
Excellent, broad introduction to mind of the sex addict.
 
Review Date: November 17, 1998
Reviewer: ,
"Out of the Shadows" offers an introduction to and an exploration of the profile, behaviors and motivations of the sex addict. Whether the addiction is to porngraphy and its many incarnations or actual, physical sex, this book provides a very insightful look at the secrecy, deception and compulsion that the addict will use to advance and hide his behaviors. While this addiction is not unique to men, for a woman who suspects or knows that the man with whom she is involved may be or is a sex addict, Carnes' book provides insightful and probing case studies of sexual addictions. This book will help the addict, or those in relationship with an addict, have a better understanding of this distructive and painful path.
Life Changing
 
Review Date: July 22, 2000
Reviewer: Namaste, United States
This book put words to what I was feeling. It was like all of a sudden I was not alone and I was not crazy. Carnes writes from a perspective of understanding. He is not judging, he explaining where this all came from. He gives the reader hope that life can be different. He is a sex addict, he knows. I've done research on the topic and every author will site him. If you now a sex addict or think you might be one, this is the book for you.
Essential
 
Review Date: November 5, 2000
Reviewer: ,
This is the book to get regarding sex addiction recovery!! It has been, for me, the most useful text on the market, analogous to the AA Big Book in AA!
Gives me a complete understanding about Sexual Addiction.
 
Review Date: February 22, 2002
Reviewer: ,
Last year, in the middle of all the problems I had w/ my boyfriend, I tried looking for an answer in every direction, including buying and reading: "How to survive your boyfriend's divorce". A great book, but obviously I was looking in the wrong place. Prior to that, I almost saw a sex therapist, thinking that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't sexual enough for my boyfriend.

Only a few months ago things started coming to the surface, when my boyfriend came out and told me of his addiction to sex. He finally came to terms and could admit that he did have a problem. But none of us had a clear understanding on the nature of the problem/addiction.

This book has helped me to get an accurate perpective on what sexual addiction is, and how it overpowers the addict that makes them not anymore in control of their lives. It gives all the necessary and complete knowledge to me.

It took me a bit longer (and more heartbreaking experience)to realize that I was a codependent, but at least the initial knowledge took me where I am right now. It was a very painful experience but I'm grateful for the "Wake Up Call".

Both my boyfriend and I are working on our recovery now, individually and as a couple.

Thanks to Patrick Carnes and his books.

It literally saved my life...
 
Review Date: March 24, 2006
Reviewer: Rich Thompsen, St. Paul, MN
I am a member of RecoveryNation.com, an online community that works together to promote health based recovery from sexual addiction. This, coupled with the free workshops are the mainstays of our curriculum. If you are new to understanding sexual addictions, this book is a must. It literally saved my life...guiding me on the road to health.
Very helpful for me
 
Review Date: March 22, 2006
Reviewer: Laura's mom, Ohio
I wish I had read this book years ago. I am married to an addict, and found the information to be very helpful and right on with the attitudes and behaviors. I also took keen interest in the chapter about the co-dependent or co-addict, because it described me perfectly. It was definitely a revelation for me, and I think it will lead to my own recovery. I am also attending S-Anon meetings, which I think will help me to be a healthier individual, along with what I learned from this book. I think it helps to understand the addict better, and maybe helps to show that the addict may deserve more than contempt and anger. Most addicts are the way they are because of previous tragedy in their lives. With this awareness, it looks like those willing to recognize and treat the problem have hope for a better life. But I believe this book is the first step to recovery because it defines what is going on.
Masterpiece
 
Review Date: January 21, 2007
Reviewer: dan Crockett, Orlando, Fl.
Carnes is the undisputed expert in the field of sexual addiction. This ground breaking book first came out in the early 1980's. It has since been revised with the advent of internet sexual addiction. This book is a quick read that helps both the struggling addict and their spouse, to understand the nature of this illness. As a therapist, I often recomend it to my clients who are just beginning to wrestle with the idea that they may need help for their own compulsive sexual behaviors.
A Powerful Resource for Partners of Sex Addicts
 
Review Date: November 6, 2001
Reviewer: , Brooklyn Park, MN
"Out of the Shadows" was for me, validation of a disease I knew in my heart my fiance had but was unwilling to accept at the time and am still having a hard time accepting. By the 18th page, I was in tears and knew that my fiance had a serious, legitimate problem...an addiction to sex. As I continued to read this book, it was as though a person I didn't know yet who knew what I was going through somehow put down my life and my problems on paper. I discovered I was "co-dependent" and became as obsessed with sexual addiction as was my fiance, even after he broke off our engagement.

When I first suspected sex addiction was my fiance's problem, I didn't know where to turn to for information, resources, help, etc. I accidentally happened upon a website of Dr. Patrick Carnes's where a list of his books on sex addiction was given. Before I read the book, I had so many questions, fears, indescribable pain and agony that this wasn't, couldn't be happening to us. And even though some of my questions still go unanswered, I became confronted with an addiction that is not only destructive to the addict but to the addict's loved ones as well. A disease that is so secretive and demoralizing that unless the addict seeks help, can be life threatening.

Six months after my discovery of finding hidden pornography on the computer, pornographic videotapes and dating websites offering sexual services that my fiance had paid memberships to, I am now single and have recently sold the house we had bought together hoping to build a future and a family there. I lost my fiance to this addiction and everyday I try to understand how he chose this lifestyle over a normal life with me. But that's what "Out of the Shadow's" has shown me, that addicts don't have the choice nor can they have a normal life or a normal, healthy relationship. I recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship where sexual addiction may be the underlying problem because it helped me to not only understand this addiction better but it helped me to realize I am not alone and there is help.

More understanding for sex addicts
 
Review Date: March 14, 2007
Reviewer: Bev, Las Cruces, NM
My son asked me to buy this book so that we could find a starting place to discuss his sexual addiction. Carnes explains the entire gamut of sexual addictions, from buying pornography to sexually abusing children to violent rape. I understand my son's pain so much better and also see my part in the addiction.
An Excellent Book for Recovery
 
Review Date: August 17, 2007
Reviewer: Jon Person, Denver, CO, USA
I've been in and out of therapy for nearly ten years trying to figure out what exactly was going on with me, but I realize now my problem was I was trying to treat my symptoms, like anxiety and depression, instead of the real problem. I read "Out of the Shadows" and was shocked at how accurately it described me and my life, and I realized my addiction has been destroying relationships with people I love and controlling my life for over half of my life. I'm a bit apprehensive about 12-step programs, but I'm fortunate to have a father who has completed the program and believes in it, so I've signed up today and will give it a try. From the book, the strangest thing about recovery is this paradox: you have to admit that you are powerless over your addiction in order to begin separating yourself from it. I had always thought I had to just ignore cravings like I did to quit smoking, or fight tooth-and-nail with willpower. But you have to seek help outside yourself to really get better. It's going to hurt, but not as bad as the fact I've lost forever some relationships I wish I could have back. I won't do that again.
Great - but Knowledge is NOT Power
 
Review Date: March 17, 2006
Reviewer: Currently Sober Sexaholic, Harrisburg, PA
This is the best-known book by the best-known author on the subject of sexual addiction. Dr. Carnes was a pioneer in the treatment of this malady. I first read this book in the late 80's when my acting out got me into trouble with the law. I knew that everything in the book was absolutely true, since I was living it! At that time, I collected all kinds of information about the addiction. I believed that since I now had knowledge of my problem and knowledge of treatment and 12-Step solutions, I would finally be able to keep myself out of trouble. Nope.

It doesn't work that way. Knowledge is NOT power!

When I finally "hit bottom" in May of 2001, I found SA (Sexaholics Anonymous, www.sa.org). I started going to meetings, found a sponsor, and worked the 12 Steps. They saved my life! I have been sober from acting out and have experienced progressive victory over lust ever since then.

After reading this book, contact SA and find the Solution!
You are not alone.


Note: SA, like all 12-Step Fellowships, is open to, and has members of all faiths. But if you are looking for the best Christian book on recovery from sex addiction, check out Impossible Joy (also available here on Amazon).
Well written
 
Review Date: July 9, 2006
Reviewer: S. Patel, Chatsworth, CA.USA
Sexual addiction is almost impossible to understand or comprehend by the non-sexually addictive person. This book is written in a way that is easy to read and very easily understood, by both the addict and the non-addict. It puts into perspective what, why and how the sex addict functions. It takes the burden of guilt and frustration "off" his/her partner and re-inforces that addiction is a disease, and in many ways not a choice.
It gives hope to those without hope.
 
Review Date: April 15, 1999
Reviewer: ,
This book talks about the deep dark secrets of what we do behind closed doors. Too embrassed to talk about it openly, we aren't able to get the help we need. Patrick Carnes not only tells us that we are not alone but shows how we can be healed of this addition.

His recent book "Don't call it Love" carrys the same theme but more in depth.

Scary ... but very informative
 
Review Date: January 13, 2007
Reviewer: Linda Owens, Lancaster, PA USA
I - we have not finished reading this book. It is a difficult subject to delve into. But, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in the subject of sexual addiction - I rather say "compulsion" so I can discuss the subject with my teen-age children ... they will run from the term "addict". It covers the full gambit. I feel every parent, and in fact adult should read this book. I had no idea that this could happen and how it happens. I knew sexual addition was "out there" but not in just about every person's back yard. Because of the internet, this is possible in every household in America that has access to a computer. It is THE hidden epidemic because of the subject - sex - that is associated with it. Persons involved don't talk about it because it is an "alone" activity. And the family members don't talk about it because of the shame .... the spouse/partner feels they are not "good enough" & that they can't satisfy their partner. So, they don't talk about it.... Time marches on.. & things get worse.. By reading this book, you become aware of the dangers, problems, and the help available for sexual addition.
Understanding Sexual Addiction
 
Review Date: December 17, 2005
Reviewer: Philip J. Wagner. MD, Rochester, NY U.S.A.
I am a professional psychotherapist and have been treating sexual addiction for over 11 years. For all of this time, I have recommended this book as a starting point for understanding the addiction-for both the addict and co-addict. It is a good idea to read this book prior to starting therapy, or as an adjunct to a self-help recovery program. If you are unsure if you, or a loved one, suffers from this addiction, this book will help answer that question.Carnes expresses the importance of treatment for the family of the addict being as significant as the treatment for the addict. He commits a chapter to discuss the "co-addict" (immediate family members) and their thought processes and behaviors toward the addict and his/her addiction.I also recommended the book Sex and the perfect lover by Mabel Iam, it gives sexual tecniques to make with your partner, and its are very important to do, because dont know its is the number one cause of divorce in AMERICA.
Change your life forever!
 
Review Date: November 6, 2000
Reviewer: ,
Concise, clear and factual, this book will change your life forever. You don't have to be a sexual addict to profit from it, but if you are, you cannot afford to bypass "Out Of The Shadows". The author's view of sexual addiction may be as shocking to many people today as Galileo's view of earth was a couple of hundred years ago. Knowing the true nature of sexual addiction has made a big difference in my life.
Speaks to clients as well as providers
 
Review Date: September 20, 2005
Reviewer: Richard R. Merrell, RI
Dr. Carnes book has been a revelation to many of my clients. They tend to recommend this book to others in their groups as a "great starter book for anyone hoping to understand their problems." It certainly speaks honestly to the problems of sexual addiction and, as it applies to my interests, to the problems of sexual offending. All of the men and women that I work with have been ajudicated for sexual offending and often struggle with the shame of their behaviors. This book helps them to realize that their struggles begin with recognizing the "stealth" processes which precede their actual offending.

Our groups are not about excusing behaviors but acknowledging and understanding them in order to avoid further offenses. "No More Victims" is our mantra.

Richard R. (Travis) Merrell, M.A. (Dramatherapy, NY University)
[...]
There is Hope
 
Review Date: February 17, 2005
Reviewer: Willing Student, East Coast, USA
If you are looking for a book to help you understand why your spouse, family member, friend or even you can't stop doing sexually inappropriate acts this is it. Reading this book has helped me to understand the complexity of this issue and brought such peace to my mind. I have recommended this book to four people already and all have begun to read it and learn from it. I only hope that they pass it along to others and create a bigger network of healing. Buy it. The price for the book and the time you spend reading it will never amount to the peace, understanding and answers you will recieve from its pages.
Begin To Understand
 
Review Date: July 12, 2007
Reviewer: Jeff T. Munn, Van Nuys, CA
This book is essential for anyone who is struggling with sex addiction. It provides insight and wisdom that helps to unravel the mystery and reduce the shame around compulsive sexual behavior.

This book is sometimes criticized for suggesting that 12-step programs should be a regular part of the addict's recovery. While this may be an issue for some people, I strongly suggest that you not let it deter you from buying the book. The suggestions are merely suggestions, and shouldn't be interpreted as being absolutely essential for one's recovery.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with everything that is suggested, this book will still teach you a great deal about the nature of sexual addiction, and open the door for you to make the changes necessary to rid yourself of this toxic, compulsive behavior and improve your relationships with friends, family, and yourself.
Absolutely brilliant
 
Review Date: September 1, 2005
Reviewer: Sandra L. Pyke, Melbourne, Australia
This is the best book so far I have read on sex addiction and codependancy.. the behaviours, the reasons, backgrounds and the likes. It's a great book for both sex addicts and their partners and families to gain a full understanding of how we work, how we function as sexual beings, and why sex addiction is so hard to give up.
As I am studying for a counselling degree in this area, I found the book to be invaluable in reading into reasons why people do what they do for comfort and the likes. It will be a great reference book to store in my office!

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is living in an addictive world - my understanding of this disease is now much greater and I anticipate I will be buying and reading a lot more of Carnes' books.
Great info, but...
 
Review Date: April 18, 2001
Reviewer: ,
Admittedly, I haven't read "Out of the Shadows" for quite some time, but I did read it many years ago because I was suffering from sex addiction and could identify with the behaviors that were in the book. I agree with another reviewer that this book falls short of providing a solution...that works! As a recovering sex addict, I know that information is great to know, but information alone cannot keep me sexually sober. All the statistics and charts and cycles cannot keep me sexually sober. I've been sexually sober for close to 5 years now and this is so because I attend a 12-Step group specifically for sex addicts. I'm certain that Patrick Carnes mentions 12-Step programs in his book. Attending meetings and working the Steps have helped with my sexual sobriety. As for the book, it's a great way to put a name to a behavior that's highly destructive. I would recommend it for the information, but if you yourself are suffering from sex addiction and would like to recover from it, I would recommend attending a meeting.
Help put words to the turmoil you go through
 
Review Date: July 15, 2007
Reviewer: J. C. Denis, Brooklyn, NY
Reading this book has helped me find the path towards the journey to finding the right words to describe what I was going through. As a codependent, you feel isolated, this book will make you feel like you are not going crazy and you are not alone! If you have a partner struggling and in denial, buy two of them and read the book together. Realization is part of the keys towards recovery.
Sexual Addiction and Gay men
 
Review Date: November 15, 2004
Reviewer: Dr. Joe Kort, Royal Oak, Michigan United States
This is the book that started it all and began to name a very painful disorder acted out sexually and has little to do with sex at all. This book's only lacking is a need for more information for gay men. The gay male community as a whole is in denial about sexual addiction. For so long the gay community has been pathologized for what we do sexually so it makes sense to be cautious about any further pathologizing of our sexual behavior. However, once you read this book you realize the problem isn't sex at all, it is childhood trauma and abuse which is being acted out sexually. Thank you Dr. Carnes for naming this disorder. For information about how this applies to gay men I wrote a chapter in my book solely on sexual addiction and gay men called, "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" published by Alyson, 2003.
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
 
Review Date: September 21, 2005
Reviewer: grateful, california
patrick carnes is quite extraordinary. his book is intellegent, insiteful and inspiring. it is incredibly useful for folks struggling with sex addiction or related issues, and for those interested in treating addicts and their partners. dr. carnes has provided an amazing gift for all of us who are in recovery or who still suffer from this difficult dis-ease.
Ground Breaking And Sensitive...
 
Review Date: September 2, 2004
Reviewer: D. Machita, Durham, NC United States
In this controversial and ground breaking book, Dr. Patrick Carnes thoughtfully covers the topic of sexual addiction. It was this book that put sexual addiction on the map. Afflicted people were often thought of as sick, perverts and criminal. Carnes offers a different view of the problem, related to a wholly disfunctional coping mechanism. Larger society has scoffed at the notion of being addicted to sex, yet with the advent of internet pornography the problem is reaching enormous proportions.

This book is highly recommended for anyone who wants to explore the topic in a meaningful manner.
Excellent
 
Review Date: January 19, 2003
Reviewer: ,
What an excellent book! I purchased this with Confusing Love with Obsession and thought both gave a well rounded analysis of sexual and relationship addictions!
Revelation
 
Review Date: July 28, 2008
Reviewer: Hopeful, ma, usa
My mind had a revelation when I read this book. I always assumed about my husband's addiction. Thought I knew what to do and how to do it, and all the while I was getting more frustrated and angrier. Now, I see why and how it is all happening and happened. The traumas, the cycles, the behavior, ...the escaping into this illness and insanity.
I came away with a much better understanding and awareness. In this revelation came MY FIRST STEP towards my own healing and my role in all of it, as the spouse. I can honestly say; reading it helped me to "listen" my husband and be in counseling about the addiction. It isn't about me. I have no control over it. Yes my anger and pain is real...no doscounting that. And in turn, some people may disagr

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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
 
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Product Description
Drawing on case studies, a psychotherapist offers guidelines to help singles and spouses decide whether to leave a relationship or whether enough good remains to make it worth working through conflicts. Reprint."

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  • ISBN13: 9780452275355
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Customer Reviews
This Book Gave Me Back My Life!
 
Review Date: September 2, 1999
Reviewer: peacemaker18@hotmail.com, Santa Monica, CA
After a 20+ year marriage to a decent guy who was a good provider but not in any way my true friend, lover or life's partner, I had tried everything imaginable to make sense of my commitment -- especially because we had two children. I sought years of psychotherapy, read a library's worth of self-help books, listened to every "relationship expert" from Tony Grant to Barbara DeAngelis to Dr. Laura, always searching, concentrating to the point of exhaustion, to glean that essential kernel of truth that would illuminate the path I should take to find acceptance and happiness. But I could find no peace, no resolution, no answers.

FINALLY, this book gave me the tools I needed to understand the many issues and problems that weighed so heavily in my marraige. Mira Kirshenbaum provided the template I needed to lay over my decades of ambivalence. Her direct, snappy writing style was a breeze to read. Her observations cogent and concise. She makes no bones about taking a clear stand and expressing a firm opinion about whether people where happier that they stayed or left a relationship when the issues she explored were identifed as problems.

She gave me the language to articulate and define my marital problems. It became undeniably clear to me that I would be happier if I left. With tremendous relief and some real trepidation, I gave myself the freedom to leave for my 46th birthday present. Fast forward two years -- I have never been happier!

I recently reread the book and my second thorough reading reinforced my initial interpretations. I am now using Kirshenbaum's criteria to judge whether my current relationship meets my needs in the categories that are most important to me. YEAH! Success! This book has even helped me explain the complexities of relationships to my own daughters and what makes for a quality relationship with a long term chance for success.

For the first time as an adult I am living an authentic life that I am proud to model for my children. I am absolutely sure that this book saved my life! I am grateful beyond words for the clarity that this book provided. You will be too!

For Late Bloomers, THIS Is The Book
 
Review Date: November 24, 2000
Reviewer: Diana, Virginia, USA
I first needed this book -- okay, I needed it before I married. I recognize now that I needed it in 1988, when the pain and confusion were enormous, and the counseling I received was, to put it generously, ridiculous. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet written the book. Then I needed it in 1995, when totally on the fence. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet published. Finally she did, in 1996 (hardcover), and even though I'd already made the decision to leave, and knew somehow it was right, I bought the book.

Gosh, how come I wasn't taught all this stuff before?!?

Too Good To Leave is not only the book you pick up when you're on the fence. It's not just the book you turn to to make sure you made the best choice under the circumstances. It's the book you refer to again and again and again to help you learn what IS a healthy relationship, what IS love. Because in showing us what ill-health can look like, Kirshenbaum also teaches those of us who just didn't get it what we can look for in the future, when our hearts decide to risk again.

This is an easy read: each chapter is structured the same way, with the issue, circumstances, diagnostic questions, couples examples from Kirshenbaum's practice (she provides therapy in the Boston area), and guidelines...are most people in this particular situation happier if they leave or if they stay? She begins with the incredibly painful (are you being beaten?) and moves through the book toward less and less clearcut circumstances.

Take Chapter 8, for example: "What Is This Thing Called Love?" The issue: is there any real love left? Kirshenbaum reviews what people know of love (not a whole lot, it develops), discusses feeling and perceptions, and hits a diagnostic question: "In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely LIKE your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?" A poser, right? So Kirshenbaum walks you through her experience with Ann (married to Dave) who has had to work through this question. Does she really like Dave? Or does she merely like what Dave likes?

Painful. Very painful. But healthy, because the guideline Ann must confront is, "If it's clear to you that basically and overall you just don't like your partner, then your love is a ghost... Quick take: In the long run -- no like, no love." (The quick takes, available with each guideline,are wonderfully useful as memorizable, immediate reminders.) Kirshenbaum continues through the chapter with different examples of couples wondering if love is present, with more guidelines and suggestions for unraveling the knots.

This is powerful healing, because it names the problem. In medicine, the terror that comes with extraordinary pain can be eased by words: "Sounds like a kidney stone." Definition removes confusion removes fear. Just so does Kirshenbaum, in defining what we know is present, ease our hearts. We're not crazy. There is something odd here. And we are not alone in our perceptions.

By showing us what is unhealthy in relationships, then, Kirshenbaum also teaches what is healthy. You've got to have like, to have love. Quick take #7: "Power people poison passion." Okay...so passion flowers where neither partner is into power. Quick take #28: "Time heals all healable wounds." But some wounds are so severe, and some partners so unwilling to act in healing ways, that the relationship is not a healing one. Okay...look not for partners who seem perfect, but for partners who are both unwilling to harm, and willing to heal.

Where was Kirshenbaum when I was 12?

I've grown so much from this book. Buy it, borrow it, somehow READ it before 2001 arrives. Bring your new learning with you into the new year.

No more relationship ambivalence!
 
Review Date: September 9, 1999
Reviewer: ,
Believe it or not - I picked this book up on a marriage retreat weekend! I had been going back and forth in my head for years over the issue of leaving or staying. We spent thousands of dollars on counseling and retreats yet I was on the verge of making myself crazy with no clear decision ever coming from the incredible amount of thought I put into the question of whether I should leave or not. I could always come up with a long Pros list of why I should with an equally long Cons list of why I shouldn't. I read this book in two hours and knew that I was incredibly unhappy in my marriage and had to get out. Kirschenbaum helps the reader to assess their relationship through a series of guidelines and come to the decision on their own. No more pros and cons lists, just a step-by-step guide on how to make the decision that's right for you. I am in the process of a divorce now but know that this is the right decision. On difficult days, I sit down with this book and review some of the questions that she asks in such a no-nonsense way and remember that yes- I am happier being out of my relationship.
Not alone out there
 
Review Date: May 16, 2000
Reviewer: Cathy L. Bruha, USA
I never expected to be so ambiguous in what seems like such a simple decision. This book, and the other reviews, helped me realize that I'm not the only one out there wrestling with this problem. My spouse is a good provider, a hard worker, a good person, someone I admire and enjoy but who does not fullfill or excite me. I didn't know if I was simply looking to greener grasses and having unreasonable expectations or if I truly would be happier in another relationship. This book didn't give me the cut and dry solution I was looking for, but it did bring clarity as to what the core of the problem is for us. Now I can give us the true chance we deserve. I found the information very helpful. I agree with a former reviewer, however, that if you are mad or upset...you may want to read the book, think about it, and give it some time. Your state of mind can influence the answers enormously. I plan on re-reading it 6 months from now, after we have made some changes and re-reviewing our situation at that time. If my answers are unchanged I know I will be happier leaving, but if things have gotten even a little better I know to give it more time.
Be Very Cautious About This Book
 
Review Date: June 10, 2002
Reviewer: , Washington, DC
My wife and I have been married six years and have had marital troubles for nearly a year. However, we are taking very concrete steps to try to address them and we're making good progress. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and each other, about personalities and temperaments and what influences them. Now we are better able to appreciate how those factors manifest in our day-to-day behavior. It is hard work, but we both agree that in the end it's worth it -- regardless of the eventual outcome of our marriage. This book was recommended to me by a person that I have generally known to have good judgement, so I took a look. I can say without a doubt that if I had read this book a year ago, my wife and I would now be divorced and that decision would have been the biggest mistake of our lives. Several of the so-called guidelines pointed to behavior on my wife's part AND others on my own part that would have caused each of us to conclude that we would be more happy if we left than stayed. The method of decisionmaking suggested by this book is bereft of the kind of hard work it really takes to evaluate the future of a relationship and the behavior of people in relationships. It fails to explore personality types -- a cornerstone to understanding why your partner may behave the way he or she behaves. It also assumes the problem MUST reside within your partner, not within yourself. In my relationship, the problem was 80% of my own creation. But, through self-evaluation and study we have been able to LEARN more about our own personalities so that now we can better appreciate our differences and give our love for one another a chance to flourish. Unfortunately, this book rests on the premise that people are inflexible, cannot observe themselves and that their mates cannot change themselves, and therefore, whatever you've got is as good as it will get. I disagree and urge anyone who reads this to use great caution. Mira Kirshenbaum has attempted to boil life and relatinships into a simplicity that belittles the capacity of humans to love and change.
Read This Before You Get Married!
 
Review Date: June 4, 2006
Reviewer: Anonymous,
I read this book when I was engaged to be married, and it's the best thing I could have done. I was stuck in what the author calls "relationship ambivalence", where I was caught up in deciding whether my fiancé was the "perfect" man for me, and whether I really wanted to commit my entire life to him. My doubts were starting to take a toll on our relationship, and as the wedding date got closer, it only got worse. That's when I thought of seeking help and found this book. By the end of the book, I realized that my relationship was truly too good to leave. It helped me recognize the many great things that my fiancé and I have going for us. The book was a huge relief for me. I was able to let go of my doubts once and for all, and I have never been happier. My fiancé and I will be married soon and I cannot wait to walk down the aisle and say I Do!

I highly recommend this book to anyone having doubts about their relationship. It is easy to read and helps you take a good look at what you're getting or not getting from your relationship, and what you need to be happy.
Do you love your partner, or your misery?
 
Review Date: January 17, 2000
Reviewer: ,
Mira Kirshenbaum takes a very helpful approach to resolving ambiguity around troubled relationships. Instead of helping you weigh a "balance scale" of pros and cons, she asks you to instead consider 36 "yes or no" questions, much like a physical exam in which a doctor would determine whether you have a cold or flu. The book is most helpful if you agree with the author's premise (not revealed until the end) that each of the 36 issues represent a "fatal flaw" (or prerequisite for success, depending on the issue). That is, your relationship assessment must run the gauntlet through all of these issues, or the prognosis is dim. If you "fail" on ANY ONE factor, the author believes most people will be happier leaving. Some people may need to hear this advice. For example, one question is, "Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship?" Other people, reading in the midst of extraordinary pain or difficulty, may be discouraged prematurely. For example, currently separated couples "fail" in third question. "Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?"

The best thing about this book? If you can read it without failing any of its tests, then you should feel extremely confident your relationship is salvageable and worth the effort. Fail one or two tests? Then at least you can focus your thinking on those areas if you're not ready to move on.

This was THE book I hoped to find!
 
Review Date: July 3, 1998
Reviewer: ,
Despite several years in therapy with a superb therapist, I continued to find myself on the emotional see-saw, vacillating between "too good to leave, too bad to stay". This book acknowledges that ambivalence within relationships, then leads the reader through series of diagnostic questions which will provide most readers (like myself) to long sought clarity. The book is NOT verbose. It is written in a very clear, succinct, thoughtful, non-judgemental style. While I also jumped from question to question during my first reading, I found myself going back to re-read the book twice over a six month period. The guidelines and insights provided by the book only gained greater depth with time. If you are in the place I was in, confused, ambivalent, and a little frightened about either possible outcome, this book is simply great. Reading it is like having your therapist decided just once to meet you for coffee and let his/her hair down. (In fact I recommended this book to my therapist who suggested to 4 other clients who had equally favorably opinions of it.) Read this book! It's thought provoking and entertaining. And the clarity you achieve make surprise you.
Scary - in the best sense
 
Review Date: February 28, 2004
Reviewer: ,
My husband & I have had our share of ups & downs over 20 years; 10 years ago we did marriage counseling for 2 years, and just started up agin. We're in the middle of a nasty, passive-aggressive fight right now, so I bought this book yesterday when I was in the bookstore for something else (also reading Goleman's Emotional Intelligence - enlightening stuff). I'm about half-way through, and I want to buy a copy for my husband to read. I'm afraid that I recognized myself in some of the chapters, here I'm thinking I might want to leave - what if he wants to leave me? MK's questions are truly helping me to focus on what issues are important, and I believe will help us focus our discussions with our counselor to be more productive. If I'm doing destructive things, and this relationship has value to me, then I need to work on changing those behaviors. We have lots to work on, but I suspect this book has articulated something for me that my husband has never been able to, and it feels at the moment like this has the potential to turn things around for me (and, I hope, us).

The concepts are very clearly communicated, with examples, which always helps me to really "get" concepts. It's an easy read, though I recommend keeping a box of tissues nearby. Obviously it's very thought-provoking. As other reviewers have said (often more eloquently) - MK is gentle but very very direct. She will support your quest for honest answers, and in my mind has been careful to leave the ultimate decision in the readers' hands. That said, it is SO helpful to have feedback from other people who've had the same questions I do.

I wasn't going to give the book 5 stars because I don't want to give the impression that it has all the answers - but I've changed my mind, because I think that a book that points you at your own answers is probably superior.

Getting Off the Fence
 
Review Date: June 28, 2006
Reviewer: Zinta Aistars, Portage, MI United States
I imagine most readers of Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" are leaning towards the going. Most of us tend not to mess with the good, or spend time analyzing why we feel bliss; rather we seek out deeper understanding only when something hurts. Human nature, I suppose. Take notice only when life becomes a pain. But as I read Kirshenbaum's easy to absorb guide on fencesitting relationships, I realized this is a good read even for the best of relationships. Even for those currently between relationships. Why not gain understanding as a preventative measure and avoid the iffy relationship entirely?

Kirshenbaum's book uses a series of diagnostic questions to ascertain if a relationship weighs more heavily on the side of staying or leaving. Yet, even as she encourages insights, Kirshenbaum, a trained psychotherapist who offers relationship counseling in Boston, is careful to remain in neutral territory, making no hard and fast judgments. A good therapist, after all, doesn't make decisions for you, or even give advice, as much as she offers guidelines and helps you find the answers for yourself, the right ones for you. Kirshenbaum stays on the up and up throughout. Even when a diagnostic appears to point to a major GO! she gently states: your situation may be different. Fencesitting? Nah. While we are all the same, as human beings, we are also all unique, and our relationships especially so. Take with grain of salt, then, and a recommendation to talk to a therapist one on one if truly stuck.

That said, I enjoyed this book and found myself recommending it to several others, regardless of their relationship status quo. The diagnostic questions are good ones. They lead to a good, long look in the mirror, a reassessing of one's own emotional well being, and gauging that one is in, or out, of a relationship for all the right and healthy reasons. And, if you are in a good relationship, the many yes's to Kirshenbaum's questions can rejuvenate any fencesitter, giving new appreciation for maybe what was pretty darn good all along. It's always nice to know you're doing just fine.

Very helpful in making diffcult decision
 
Review Date: February 15, 2006
Reviewer: Rod Nixon, Moscow, ID United States
I was looking in a bookstore for a book on divorce when I came across this book. The title jumped out me because of my three-year struggle in deciding to leave my nine-year marriage. This was a book I needed to read!!

Kirshenbaum amazingly zeroed in on what my main problem was--that of balancing the pros on cons of my marriage and then trying to decide. According to her, that's the problem, not the solution.
That's exactly what I was doing for those years, and like she says --it'll drive you crazy! her approach was a more dianostic way in which she seperates the aspects of your marriage and ask you: well, how is it, and is it that bad (or good)?

She acknowleges that all situations are different but at the same time they seem to have common denominators that help her see that certain underlying factors can undermine a marriage to a point in which a person can say "Enough is enough". She realistic in presenting that to her readers.

The descion I made (which is leaving) is the most painful, heartbreaking choice I've ever made. But I thank this author for the ability for me to reach this decision which even my wife agrees is the best for the both of us. It took this book for me to come to that point.
Seriously Good
 
Review Date: January 22, 2004
Reviewer: ,
This is a seriously good book. At face value, it's a book that get's you off the fence, helping you to make a yes/no decision about your relationship with your "significant other." But it is in fact more than that. Kirshenbaum's poplular, easy to read, though at times over dramatic style, give us an insight into a variety of relationship issues and situations no matter what the nature of the relationship. I found myself annotating, underlining and agreeing too often for comfort.

The book helped me make rational sense of what I had come to believe as being more ambiguous than it actually is. The nuts and bolts of good and less good relating are gently, skillfully and at times ruthlessly revealed. Ambiguities and subtle deceits are debunked. That is not to say that all the mystery has been removed or clinically examined. But Ms Kirshenbaum let's you know some cold hard facts that it's 'better you know.'

Did I leave or did I stay? I left... and now I look back with, somewhat astonished compassion on the madness that was my previous relationship and the happiness I've experienced over the last 2 years in my current relationship. No regrets.

The truth at last
 
Review Date: April 24, 2004
Reviewer: ,
I was in tears by the third chapter. Finally, I was able to get an objective view of my marriage and see where love had gone wrong. I had never been able to separate my relationship with my children from the one I had with my husband until looking at things step by step as the book directs. It's a real eye-opener for anyone wondering what their relationship is about. And it's not just for those on the verge of leaving. It offers support for reasons why you shouldn't give up and keep trying to save your marriage.
Great wisdom about marriage!
 
Review Date: August 12, 2000
Reviewer: Linda Senn,
Kirshenbaum holds healthy, loving relationships in the very highest regard, but she also zeros right in on the bad aspects of a sick marriage -- the ones we try to kid ourselves about -- the ones we try to say don't really matter, and we'll just try not to notice them. Those are the problems that corrode the soul and cause people to either shut down emotionally or to get into destructive codependent living. She takes time to explore each issue, and doesn't allow the reader to glibly say Oh, no that's not me, or Oh, yes! We have to look at ourselves and our partners in depth. In my book "Your Pocket Divorce Guide" and in every divorce workshop and guidance I offer, I recommend this book. There's nothing else like it on the book store (or e-store) shelves. If you're in doubt, read it. If you're still agonizing about a divorce that's already happened, read it. You'll gain enormous perspective.
This book saved my marriage.
 
Review Date: June 19, 2000
Reviewer: ,
I don't want to go on & on. Just about everything good's been said about this book & it's true. It is concise and straightforward and honest. My husband & I went through it page by page and assessed our marriage as too good to leave by a long shot--we had just gotten caught up in temporary problems and misconceptions. I highly recommend this book to all my friends whenever they have relationship trouble. Everyone I've recommended it to has loved it, too.
Extremely Helpful!
 
Review Date: January 8, 2002
Reviewer: ,
This book was extraordinarily helpful to me! It dealt with both logical and emotional aspects associated with the struggle over whether to stay or leave a relationship. The diagnostic questions and the "bottom line" suggestions were especially valuable for me. Having been "in limbo" for many years, I really needed to hear the messages in this book. The no-nonsense, yet compassionate and non-judgemental, writing style spoke perfectly to me. I highlighted the book and continue to re-read sections whenever I feel doubtful or need a reminder of my decision-making rationale. I am so glad I read this book, and I recommend it HIGHLY to anyone on the fence!
It's either one or the other
 
Review Date: September 29, 2002
Reviewer: Elisa Guerra Cruz, México
I was caught in relationship ambivalence for nearly ten years. This book helped me find my clarity, but the decision was still mine to make. In my case, 18 of the 36 guidelines pointed toward ending the relationship. It was very helpful to read the case studies and feel identified with lots of them. There are some parts of the book, complete pages, that I higlighted whole.A major point that was very helpful: A relationship is either too good to leave or to bad to stay, but IT CAN'T BE BOTH. This book helps you find if your relationship is one or the other.
A Great Tool
 
Review Date: October 17, 2000
Reviewer: ,
The author does a great job of talking to the reader in a no-nonsense way about relationship ambivalance, which is something that many of us go through at least once in our lifetimes. It's a fantastic tool to help you examine how you feel about your relationship and if most people who feel the way you do were happier staying or leaving. I found this book to be extremely helpful--I had already made my decision before I read it, but it gave me reassurance that I made the best choice for me. It just reiterated what I already knew, but it was good to hear it from another source. If you are debating leaving a long-term relationship or marriage, buy this book. I have 5 friends that I am FORCING to read it just so they can get out of the state of ambivalence which helps no one. I know this book will help them in one way or another. Good luck...
If you're on the fence, read this book
 
Review Date: October 3, 2003
Reviewer: ,
This book was recommended to me in May of 2002 by my therapist, who I went to see after I considered leaving my 7-year marriage due to being "cut off" sexually. I'd been to therapists before and none seemed to convince me that my need to leave and keep my sanity was better than staying and keeping my vows.

I brought the book home after my first appointment. I read it in two days and filled out each question/answer segment on a sheet of paper. Since my husband knew I'd gone to employee assistance to see the therapist, I shared the book with him and told him that if he was interested in our marriage that he should read the book and also notate his answers to each chapter so we could share those answers with one another later.

I gave him six months to read and notate and when we compared answers I was horrified to see that not only did he NOT take this book seriously, he all but laughed at me for taking it as seriously as I did. With this book and his reaction, I started the search for a place to live.

Long story short, I left him two months later and I've NEVER been sorry I did. I have never been happier. I have recommended it to other women who can't seem to make up their minds whether to get out of their marriages or not. If you're on the fence and can't seem to make a decision whether to leave or to stay, this is the book to read. I thank my therapist for having the good sense to point me in the right direction.

Really Good!
 
Review Date: May 21, 2007
Reviewer: KA, NYC Metro
I had bought this book for a friend of mine. He was going through relationship ambivalence and I am always reluctant to tell people what to do with their relationship even when asked what my opinion is. In the end my opinion doesn't really matter does it?

This book sat around my home and started reading it. I have to admit I couldn't put it down. I thought I should read the whole thing before giving to my friend to read.

After I finished the book, if gave much food for thought about my own past relationships and confirmed much of what many of us know all along but are simply afraid to act on. Mira presents things in a balanced way but in the end, it still is up to you no matter what. Pay attention to what's inside and you'll get all the answers you need. It really is true.

I gave this to a friend of mine who after 5 years of being with someone didn't know whether or not he wanted to get married to her. His ambivalence was not a good sign especially after 5 years. How do you NOT know if you want to marry someone after 5 years is the question I wanted to ask him. It was so painfully obvious to everyone who knew him that they both were ambivalent about their relationship.

This book helped clarify a lot of things for him. What was rather timely was that he discussed his ambivalence with his Dad. His Dad basically said the same things that Mira was saying. His Dad went a step further and told my friend/his son that he needed to move on. It was time. My friend had come to the same conclusion and realized that what was keeping him in his relationship was fear. Fear that he couldn't find a more suitable relationship. Fear of hurting his wonderful girlfriend.

I have known his girlfriend for quite a while as well and she had already come to the same conclusion that it was time to move on. She was in the same state he was. She was just scared out of her mind and didn't want to hurt anyone and was fearful of moving on.

They both were worried about being in their mid 30's and of course they both were thinking that if they let the relationship go that they will NEVER meet someone again which of course is absurd when you really think about it. It took me a while to learn this and I saw my 2 good friends embark on a journey of self discovery which takes a lot more courage than I ever thought it would.

My bud is single and actually liking it and enjoying it. Being single isn't so bad he's finding. My galpal has since been dating and is enjoying the blooming she is experiencing.

No one reader should take this book as concrete rules and regulations. It's like having an Aunt Mira who has seen some things and she's sharing some advice. Be your own person and make your own decision. In the end even after reading this book, you will still know whether or not you want to stay. It's a matter of what you are going to do knowing what you REALLY feel.

It is a pain to move on, and those of us who have done so have learned quite a bit. You can face the fear and still do it. Real learning comes from it. It does no one any good to stay in a relationship they know isn't the right one or no longer the right one to be in.

She said it best "When you end a relationship that deserves to end, you're liberating two people to move on to better lives."

Helped save our relationship
 
Review Date: March 24, 2007
Reviewer: Diggitydo,
The day I got this book I had an appointment to look at renting a house. I was moving out....going, going, gone. I started reading and then I started to cry, my husband and I were deep into relationship ambivalence. The more I read the more I realized that this relationship was too good to leave. The questions are very thought provoking and to the point. I have loaned this book to friends who are finding it helpful in guiding them to their own personal truths regarding thier relationships. It's a great read for anyone "sitting on the fence".
Provided me with much useful insight.
 
Review Date: February 6, 2006
Reviewer: Joy F. Henckell,
I purchased this book late summer/early fall as I thought about whether to stay in or leave a 20 plus yr relationship.Obviously when one has been involved w/another person for that long there is a lot of mixed emotions, and it is usually not easy to make a clear cut decision as to what to do with the relationship.What I really liked about this book was it helped to analyze many different facets of the relationship.It helped to make a difficult decision for me a bit easier.The book helped me realize what the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship were.I would have to say the book wasn't pro-leaving or pro-staying in the relationship.Instead it helped each person who read the book to analyze their own relationships and to weigh the options.I have bought copies of this book for others in a similiar situation to read.I have reread parts of this book since I made my decision and I know for me I made the right decision.Even if one is not thinking about ending a relationship I think this book provides some very powerful insights into the dynamics of different relationships.I highly suggest that someone who "is on the fence" decision-wise about their relationship read this book.It may give them the courage to end their relationship and move on with their lives or else the knowledge that the relationship is worth staying in and working on.Many thanks to the author for such a personally useful book.Good luck to other readers as they read this book.I pray that they find it helpful and gain the insight they need in order to make the best personal decision for them in their relationships.
A good book to help you evaluate your relationship
 
Review Date: October 25, 2007
Reviewer: Avid Reader, Montana
I purchased this book prior to getting engaged, because I wasn't sure. Today's culture had me believing, "you can do better," but how I could I turn down such a great emotional connection?

In this book, she asks questions. There are two types of questions. For one type, if you answer in the negative, she tells you to stop reading and end the relationship (ie physical abuse), or to keep reading. For the second type of question, if you answer in the negative she says it's not a big deal, but if positive, she tells you you'd regret leaving. If you get to the end of the book, it means you have a good relationship.

I got to the end of the book, and had many of the "you will regret leaving." I also realized that whereas I did have some negative responses, all were on questions that she said did not make as big of a difference.
Excellent book
 
Review Date: October 31, 2003
Reviewer: ,
I like the book because the author is factual, gives sound advice, sees pros and cons for leaving or staying, and brings enough examples to illustrate her point. She does not try to persuade or counsel you to stay in or leave a relationship, she helps you with questions to sort out your situation and then make a decision. She helps you to see that other factors than love may influence your decision, like money, prestige, or concern for your children. And she cautions that many people idealize the life they could have after divorce and would be better off to check out realities before they take final steps. It's a great book.
No easy answers, but excellent guidance
 
Review Date: December 27, 2000
Reviewer: ,
After two years of agonizing over whether I should end my marriage, I found this book. It doesn't give definitive answers, but helps you organize your thoughts and feelings, and look at the relationship as a whole. It didn't make it easier, or less painful, but it did help me move confidently toward the decision I had to make.
An un-biased and realistic look at relationships
 
Review Date: February 20, 2002
Reviewer: D. Movahedpour, CA United States
What I admire the most about this book is that it is one of the few books on relationships I have seen that doesn't try to pigeon-hole people into groups, or take sides, or give only one answer. Mira Kirshenbaum is a very fair and well-informed person, and she counsels, suggests, and advises, rather than trying to give clear-cut answers to the myriad of problems that arise in relationships. The reader is encouraged to list the good and bad aspects of their particular situation, to discuss, to work on it. The key to the success of a relationship, or to possibly salvaging one of the brink, is to work and communicate. That is the bulk of Kirshenbaum's words, and after reading this book I certainly felt that I had been given helpful advice, and that there indeed was light at the end of the tunnel. If you are having troubles in your relationship, this is one of the first books you should read.
A Fair Look at Your Relationship
 
Review Date: May 7, 2007
Reviewer: Natalie Metzger,
I expected this book to lean towards leaving your spouse, however it gave a fair view of all sides. I found it to be very informative and it gave me new insight to my own relationship. Six months after reading this book, my marriage is stronger than ever!!
Wish I'd read this book oceans of tears ago!
 
Review Date: October 18, 2000
Reviewer: ,
Whether because of timing or circumstances, Ms. Kirshenbaum's book was the BEST self-help book I have ever read on this subject or any other. I could have saved thousands of dollars on marriage therapists! She writes on a layman's level, zeros right in on the heart of the issues (no matter what your particular marital problem), and asks questions that clarify, clarify, clarify...something people who don't absolutely hate their spouse or marriage really need. As she says, no more balance sheets of positives and negatives which always just keeps one trapped in ambivalence. This is true no matter which side of the marriage/divorce fence one ultimately ends up on. Truly a wonderful book.
This one is actually worth it!
 
Review Date: September 3, 2004
Reviewer: I love to read!, New York, NY
Let me start by saying that I believe most self-help books are nonsense. But this one is different - written by a therapist with experience that is truly worth reading about. The author asks insighful questions and is willing to tell you what her experience has taught her. That's not the same as "giving you the answers", but we know no one can do that. She's willing to 'lay down the odds' on how you should be looking at your relationship. One of the simplist truisms here is that if you're not "working on staying, you ought to be working on leaving." I thought I understood a lot when I picked up this book, but I discovered that what I know is the theory - Kirshenbaum discusses the practice in this book and her insight is worth every penny.
I was so impressed, I bought copies for all my friends
 
Review Date: October 17, 2000
Reviewer: Creative Shopper, Mississippi
This book offers true insight into what normally should be relatively simple issues. However, as is our tendency, when we are "in love," we all too often ignore the most obvious of signs. Mira sets it out in a very systematic manner; although she repeatedly cautions the reader that the final decision is the reader's. One reviewer stated that only people who left liked the book. This is simply not true. I've applied Mira's guidelines to 2 relationships--the first, I left allowing me to venture into the second and for which, after some conflicts arose, I decided to stay. The guidelines helped establish the issues both he and I need to work on.

I am an attorney. I keep one of my copies in my office readily available for divorce clients. I strongly recommend this book for anyone contemplating change in a relationship whether leaving or staying!

Still On the Fence
 
Review Date: September 9, 2003
Reviewer: ,
It's good to see this topic honestly explored in print -- but impossible to reduce it to an often confusing formula, as the author does -- no doubt at the behest of the publisher, who follows the ubiquitious belief that people crave pat solutions.

I am in one of those marriages where every time a major crisis hits -- and there have been many -- I think I should have left at the earlier one. This book is honest about the compromises people make, and doesn't present any solution as happily ever after, which is a relief. But the magazine quiz-style formula just doesn't do the topic justice.

I give the author credit for being realistic -- for example, acknowledging that money might have a lot to do with staying or going. Someone with a financially supportive family of origin might help a distressed spouse out of an abusive or deeply unhappy marriage -- someone with no such help will have to find other ways of dealing with it. She doesn't pretend, as so many books do, that divorce not an extremely complicated business on a practical level.

However, at the end of this book I was frustrated -- becauase my case didn't follow the formulas. I was still on the fence.

A Godsend for those in a difficult relationship, but valuable for everyone
 
Review Date: Decem

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
 
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recovery has begun for millions of individuals with this straightforward guide. through personal examples and exercises, readers are shown how controlling others forces them to lose sight of their own needs and happiness.

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Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics)

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics)
 
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This classic book, written 17 years ago but still selling more than 13,000 copies every year, has been completely updated and expanded by the author.

"I used to drink," writes John Bradshaw,"to solve the problems caused by drinking. The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed."

Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.

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Adult Children of Alcoholics

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Adult Children of Alcoholics
 
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This book provides wisdom and information for all Adult Children of dysfunctional families.

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Drugs, Behavior, and Modern Society (6th Edition)

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Drugs, Behavior, and Modern Society (6th Edition)
 
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This text examines the impact of drug-taking behavior on our society and our daily lives. The use and abuse of a wide range of licit and illicit drugs are discussed from historical, biological, psychological, and sociological perspectives. In today's world, drugs and their use present a social paradox, combining the potential for good and for bad. As a society and as individuals, we can be the beneficiaries of drugs or their victims. This perspective continues to be the message of Drugs, Behavior, and Modern Society, Sixth Edition. Drugs, Behavior, and Modern Society, Sixth Edition features a comprehensive review of psychoactive drugs, and is notable for the attention it gives to two aspects of drug-taking behavior that have been underreported in other texts: steroid abuse and inhalant abuse.

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Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction

Jan 22, 2010 in Addiction Ebooks

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Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction
 
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Amazon Best of the Month, February 2008: From as early as grade school, the world seemed to be on Nic Sheff's string. Bright and athletic, he excelled in any setting and appeared destined for greatness. Yet as childhood exuberance faded into teenage angst, the precocious boy found himself going down a much different path. Seduced by the illicit world of drugs and alcohol, he quickly found himself caught in the clutches of addiction. Beautiful Boy is Nic's story, but from the perspective of his father, David. Achingly honest, it chronicles the betrayal, pain, and terrifying question marks that haunt the loved ones of an addict. Many respond to addiction with a painful oath of silence, but David Sheff opens up personal wounds to reinforce that it is a disease, and must be treated as such. Most importantly, his journey provides those in similar situations with a commodity that they can never lose: hope --Dave Callanan

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  • ISBN13: 9780547203881
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